Awakening: Brain meet Body

After many years of pain I then came on a time of suffering so unforgiving, it appeared my body would not make it out alive. But finally, I feel an awakening is upon me. In some ways, I believe my brain is renewing itself.

The putrid smell and taste of physical rottenness dissipated. The illness and ongoing pain have not left me by any means whatsoever, yet over this past year I have felt a change occurring inside of my mind. Maybe a transformation.

I did not realize how large a gap I had put between myself and my body these past years. I suppose the traumas experienced under medical care contributed to my drifting. My complete and sudden loss of physical independence surely didn’t help. However, there was no crueler attacker than my own body. To endure this unending physical pain and other debilitating maladies, I must have cut so many ties between me and my lump of person. To live under a physical betrayal so strong you realize no sense of personal willpower can guide the outcome- was an enormous blow. The only way to survive it was to drift beyond my physical self.

~Free My Self~

After the damage to my brain.

After disengaging from my great betrayer: my body.

After the pain went from unspeakable to so immeasurable,

I could no longer speak.

After there were doctors who were unafraid

to use uninvited hands on my body in its weakened state.

After family members had to dress and clean my flesh.

Yes, “my self” liberated from “my body.”

It had to, you see?

This recent awakening began with feeling present again. And new creative thoughts and senses followed. More than my only thoughts, “just breathe, drink, eat.” After years of survival alone, something new surfaced, like a tiny green sprout pushing its way through heavy concrete.

For the past few years, eating has been an uncomfortable challenge and chore. Although I have little appetite, I notice the smell of foods with a new curiosity. And my tastes have changed. I favor different foods and savor scents, flavors and textures I never enjoyed before.

All of my life I have been a sort of “Tom Boy.” Collecting bugs and rocks as a child, preferring to play outside with boys, spending far less time thinking of my appearance than most girls and women it has seemed. The only lotions or perfumes I own have been gifts. But coming into this renewal of myself, I have become acutely aware of my skin. For so long I didn’t have any connection to my flesh-I have even detested it in some ways. The betrayal, the dying, stinking body I could feel slipping away from this world. But it fought. It held onto life! And now, I dab a scented lotion onto my living body in appreciation. I inhale the mild fragrance all day knowing I am the bearer of this pleasant lingering smell.

When did my eyes become attracted to jewel tones like fuchsia and purple? I long to shop for clothes and home decor some day. What!? This is unlike me altogether. Then, as I practice my handwriting, it appears much more feminine than before (my scribble used to be a family joke). Reuniting with my body has brought about a womanly change in me. And I do feel different. Aware of new things. So much has occurred; I don’t think I can go ever back to being that person I used to be. I may as well transform into someone new.

My brain is making connections and is attempting to make friends with my flesh once again. Obviously, there are some new connections, as well. It is challenging to make friends with a body that constantly bites back, but some friendships are difficult yet still rewarding, right? I’m learning a lot about Neuroplasticity and how much the brain renews itself. I hope in time I will be making even more transformations. Who knows what other discoveries I will make along the way and what new connections I might find.

**********

Magical Fairy by Peggy Wolf Designs Etsy | Awakening: Brain meet Body #Spoonie #TBI

Magical Fairy | Peggy Wolf

Thank you to Peggy Wolf Designs for allowing her Magical Fairy Image to be featured.

Please visit her enchanting shops of original prints and leather goods to purchase something beautiful for your home or gifts!

www.peggywolf.com

www.etsy.com/shop/peggywolfdesign

This entry has been included in The Spoonie Daily online magazine!

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About abodyofhope

I do not know why it is that we must wade through tragic circumstances to find truth. We nearly drown! But under the water, there are pearls. I hope in writing this blog, more will come to the surface. Over the past 13 years living with chronic pain, patient advocacy has affected my life through so many remarkable young people, women and men: SURVIVORS. These individuals are HOPE personified. I wish to honor them in the same spirit they have encouraged me to press on. Six years ago, I became bed-bound from a variety of chronic illnesses after a procedure meant to help the pain condition I had been managing for several years- went bust #BIGTIME. In the last 6 years, my entire life has changed. I have changed, but I am still striving to live my best life possible. Along with sharing inspiring pieces, medical/holistic research, and awareness articles, this blog is also an attempt to put my own pieces back together. Welcome to A Body of Hope, and thank you for visiting. [Complex Regional Pain Syndrome/ RSD, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Dysautonomia, Chronic Intractable Migraine, Cluster headache, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Occipital Neuralgia, Hypersensitivity to Sound & Light, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Cerebrospinal Fluid Imbalance......blah, blah, blah] >>> P.S. My headgear is protective for pain. I just rock it hard.

Posted on October 20, 2014, in Being Myself, Chronic Illness, Poetry, Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. I enjoy your honest writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you very much for saying that. I wrote this one a while ago and was anxious about publishing it as it is so personal. Your encouragement means so much ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The new self who is emerging is producing some incredible and powerful writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Mark, thank you.
    After I read your very personal and beautiful piece today I felt little more empowered that I had posted this and a little less exposed. Thank you for commenting and also for being a good example 🙂

    Like

  5. What a powerful post. Very beautifully written.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really appreciate you saying that. I’m so glad you stopped in for a visit and took the time to comment. Have a great day!

    Like

  7. I loved this post so much, friend! I wish you so much joy and peace as you discover this new sense of self ❤

    Like

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