Light Forgotten

Living in the dark or with a blindfold on, you get used to your surroundings in time. You get used to the way things feel. Your water bottle is always in its place, and you know where to reach your hand to find it. You know each medication by the sound and weight of the pills inside. You get accustomed to the absence of your reflection, because mirrors don’t have a purpose in the dark.

Your fingertips know the feeling of every surface. Your body learns which pieces of furniture are weight-bearing and which give in if you fall into them.

In due time, everything has a place in your dark room. You start to trust yourself in the blackness. The dark is so comfortable, you start to forget what things look like in the full light of day.

This is how living with Depression is. After a while, you almost acclimate to it. Unbearable darkness moves into a cloudy dim that you tell yourself is normal. You start to forget who you once were and how to get back to that person again. You say and do all the things you believe you should do- but the reason you are doing them isn’t clear to you any more. You know this world so intimately that you almost forget there is another way to feel.

Hypersensitive to artificial light- to those who talk about JUST “being positive” or “how to be happy” cause you to cover your eyes in pain. These are the things that remind you how intense it has become.

Someone who loves you opens a window a crack. Just enough to let real sunshine and fresh air in. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror for the first time in…too long. You didn’t even realize the dark had become such a companion to you. Now you see the room with a bit of light cast over it. Your comfortable, perfectly laid out room with all of your things at your knowing fingertips: you finally see…a cluttered dusty mess with dangerous obstacles everywhere.

Going back to the dark isn’t comfortable any more. All you want to do now is paw along the wall searching for that window.

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About abodyofhope

I do not know why it is that we must wade through tragic circumstances to find truth. We nearly drown! But under the water, there are pearls. I hope in writing this blog, more will come to the surface. Over the past 13 years living with chronic pain, patient advocacy has affected my life through so many remarkable young people, women and men: SURVIVORS. These individuals are HOPE personified. I wish to honor them in the same spirit they have encouraged me to press on. Six years ago, I became bed-bound from a variety of chronic illnesses after a procedure meant to help the pain condition I had been managing for several years- went bust #BIGTIME. In the last 6 years, my entire life has changed. I have changed, but I am still striving to live my best life possible. Along with sharing inspiring pieces, medical/holistic research, and awareness articles, this blog is also an attempt to put my own pieces back together. Welcome to A Body of Hope, and thank you for visiting. [Complex Regional Pain Syndrome/ RSD, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Dysautonomia, Chronic Intractable Migraine, Cluster headache, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Occipital Neuralgia, Hypersensitivity to Sound & Light, Fibromyalgia, Cerebrospinal Fluid Imbalance......blah, blah, blah] >>> P.S. My headgear is protective for pain. I just rock it hard.

Posted on March 6, 2015, in Depression and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. this speaks to me so much.. all I want to do is crawl in a hole. I have so many things to think about and no brain power to do it.. i feel as if someone as taken over my brain and it hurts. i want to pull the covers over my head everyday. I have been the worst i have been in a long time. The tears are constantly streaming down my face. i want to live in the darkness. I don’t want anyone to open the window to help. I am so sorry this is how you have been feeling but I knew it in my heart already. you see you have been in head and heart since I started to get to know you. I feel your pain and it hurts. You are a true gentle sole with so much to give. nobody should suffer the way you do… especially someone as sweet as you.. Love always… Julie

    Like

    • Julie, I hate to hear that you are in such an intense place of hurting. I wish there were something I could say or do to take the despair and burden off of you. You give of yourself so much all throughout your life and now you are the one in need of TLC. I love you back.

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  2. You are such a gifted writer truly conveying how it feels. I’m hugging you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lifeinslowmotion

    Have been thinking about you lately and wondering how you have been. Prayers and hugs your way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That is such a beautiful, sensitive description of how depression can steal light. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing recently and send you much love. I always love reading your blog pieces.

    Like

  5. My heart goes out to you. You really have put into words what I have been doing since losing my Mom. I know I should be letting the light in but this sadness hangs like a veil over me. I have been trying to force myself back to doing some “routine” things I used to do but on the inside I still feel like I want to block the light and hide. Sending a gentle hug to you.

    Like

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