An Unlocking Spell: Conjuring Myself

My sister asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday last year. I told her that if I had been well enough, I would’ve wanted to invite friends over to make sandwiches to bring to hungry area children. I used to do this type of thing in high school sometimes, and last year fantasized that it might make for a unique summer birthday gathering that my friends would like to participate in (being my awesome friends). I was really only thinking out loud, and then asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday (since our birthdays fall inside the same week).

When my birthday came around, I went to stay at my parent’s for the week. On the day of my birthday, my family gave me a small photo album filled with pictures of smiling children. “How cute…What is this?” I asked, curious what my family was up to. My parents and sister had arranged to spend the day volunteering for a back to school program called Give a Kid a Chance which prepares underprivileged children for the coming school year. My family donated goods, packed backpacks and checked little heads for lice. They spent their entire Saturday volunteering for this wonderful program in honor of my birthday!!!! I was crying, they were crying, we were all emotional as they shared the details of the day. It is absolutely one of the most heartfelt and most humbling gifts I had ever received, (which others received) and I know I will never forget their beautiful selfless gesture.

When my mom explained why they did it, she said, “Volunteer work has always been such a big part of who you are. After you couldn’t help in the community any more, you turned your attention to caring for people online. Your sister told us what you would have wanted to do for your birthday, so we did this because you would have been doing this if you could have.”

I didn’t realize how much I needed a wake up call until that moment. I felt like a doorbell was being rung to the door of my soul that a warrior part of me had to close in order to stay alive. To fight the illness, I had to know my enemy, and get in the trenches with him. But the price was that a piece of me had to be shrouded away, protected in that way, while I fought through the very worst of it. My family didn’t know how much I desperately NEEDED this reminder of my core, of who I am.

No one had spoken of my former self out loud in what felt like years. Their gracious act and words were like an unlocking spell. Something awakened inside of me on that birthday that started a transformation- which is still in progress. I am so thankful and fortunate for them, for having the ability to see the good in who I am now, and for never forgetting the person I have always been.

I woke up the following morning with this poem trickling from my brain:

~The Apparition~

 

In the time and space between

dark rooms and restless painful nights,

you might have time to count

too many stains on the paint.

The time between forgotton breaths

may have left you wondering

who you used to be.

Did the air sneak your old life out?

Under the door?

Through the cracks in the floor?

 *

Like Russian dolls,

the top one falls:

Broken.

And mama sweeps it away.

Those who recall that ghost,

tip toe beside the host of the demon.

They bring pieces of the past,

until at last you remember.

The apparition waits outside.

Now, you can smell her perfume.

-aBodyofHope 7/23/14

*******

There are times during the fight that we must lay down our old lives and find a way to nurture today, without looking back or too far ahead. But I’ve also learned that reminders of your past can boost your spirit in the midst of a struggle. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you have someone in your life who sees the strength in you and reminds you of it.

Peace.

Blooming Beauty is by one of my favorite artists: Peggy Wolf. Check out her gallery on Etsy, you’ll love her as much as I do.

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About abodyofhope

I do not know why it is that we must wade through tragic circumstances to find truth. We nearly drown! But under the water, there are pearls. I hope in writing this blog, more will come to the surface. Over the past 13 years living with chronic pain, patient advocacy has affected my life through so many remarkable young people, women and men: SURVIVORS. These individuals are HOPE personified. I wish to honor them in the same spirit they have encouraged me to press on. Six years ago, I became bed-bound from a variety of chronic illnesses after a procedure meant to help the pain condition I had been managing for several years- went bust #BIGTIME. In the last 6 years, my entire life has changed. I have changed, but I am still striving to live my best life possible. Along with sharing inspiring pieces, medical/holistic research, and awareness articles, this blog is also an attempt to put my own pieces back together. Welcome to A Body of Hope, and thank you for visiting. [Complex Regional Pain Syndrome/ RSD, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Dysautonomia, Chronic Intractable Migraine, Cluster headache, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Occipital Neuralgia, Hypersensitivity to Sound & Light, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Cerebrospinal Fluid Imbalance......blah, blah, blah] >>> P.S. My headgear is protective for pain. I just rock it hard.

Posted on July 28, 2015, in Being Myself, Inspiration, Poetry, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Lovely. Lovely gift. Sweet poem. I do have someone who thinks I’m strong but doesn’t ask me to be anything I’m not: which makes us both stronger, I think. I hope. Sorry I haven’t been in touch more. Love, Mark

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now THAT’s a lovely gift! Yes, it sounds like you both lend strength to each other when you need it. You are blessed.
      Don’t be sorry at all- you are always supportive. I am sorry I haven’t been keeping up with you the past couple months the way I want to.
      ❤ Mary

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a graceful, heart-warming story. It’s easy to lose sight of who we are when our survival instinct is running in full mode and taking over everything. But deep down we still get to keep our essence, and I’m so glad your family helps you remember what a generous, selfless, caring and loving soul you are. ❤

    PS – I didn't comment on your previous post because my internet connection wasn't very reliable where I was staying, but I'm so happy you're getting a helping hand from a professional who understands your needs. I hope you keep getting stronger and stronger.

    Like

  3. What a truly, thoughtful gift… helping you to help others! I had read your poem last year but I didn’t know the story behind it. Sounds like a very special family!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This seriously warmed my heart. What a brilliant idea and such a loving compassionate present. It was really inspiring to me and shows how much you have clearly inspired your family and, I’m sure, a lot of others. It is so hard to be so limited in what we can do but this illustrates perfectly how we can still really have a positive impact on others x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you for saying that, Lisa. You have now warmed MY heart!! ❤
      It's so easy to feel we have lost our worth when we can't do the same things we used to, but I still believe purposes can be shifted, and we can be used in new ways.
      You have been a blessing to me today ❤

      Like

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