I always thought that I’d see you again

So it has been 9 months since my husband and I parted ways. For us it was not a gradual thing. Well, maybe for him it was….

[I’m going to get through this without talking about his personal details.]

On my end, I knew he had been struggling all year, and I was trying to be uplifting. One day, I was texting him love messages, silly photos (which are now just embarrassing), funny videos, and anything to try to help him smile at work. The very next day, I was living at my parents’, confused, and unsure what happened the day before, or why.

I don’t remember much about that conversation after he got home. I do remember messaging a friend in a daze asking what I should take with me, and Google searching: “what do you take in case of a fire.”

In some ways, 9 months has flown by, and in other ways, it has dragged on much too slowly. It has felt impossible at times for my heart to catch up to all that has occurred, the choices that were no longer mine to make, the quickly unraveling dreams that were out of my control. I was often reminded that I had experience with surrendering, and making peace with pain, and could do it again if forced to. (I think people with disabilities are resilient in that way, and though it feels like every day is a fight, we learn adaptability which is a gift!) On the other hand, I felt continually impatient. If you have ever waited for test results that would almost surely come back with an outcome you don’t want to hear, something within you cannot help but crave the knowledge of it, no matter how bad. Almost like the tree of good and evil. Waiting was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. A part of me wanted to know my future in certain terms, and with immediacy. The rest of me was at peace to wait a lifetime in limbo, however impractical that would be.

That afternoon was our last conversation as husband and wife; I didn’t know it was goodbye at the time. You may remember, I wrote A Season of Waiting just after. Now you know the inspiration behind the message.

And while so many months can seem like a very long time, with a new life emerging beneath me, there are still huge landmines that explode in my face when I least expect it. Several exploded from the mail box right after breakfast this morning. It was a hard day, but not the first, not the last, and I’ve certainly not seen the last good day either. The “process” ended just last month, but THIS process is only beginning.

I’m trying to grow accustomed to managing life on my own. …Without having someone to share these pitfalls and triumphs with. Loss and heartbreak is certainly not new to humans; and I will adjust to it better and better. I confide in God, and it is incredibly humbling to share my worries with the creator of the universe.

I’m thankful to be ending my day with you, eating bacon and drinking chocolate coconut milk. (I get to eat that kind of thing, because I have POTS… at least that’s my story.) That IS my story… at least part of it.

Have a good night. And avoid those landmines.

New page, Disabled and Divorced

PS, Check out the counter for my sister’s wedding at the bottom of the page. Getting close!

 

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About abodyofhope

I do not know why it is that we must wade through tragic circumstances to find truth. We nearly drown! But under the water, there are pearls. I hope in writing this blog, more will come to the surface. Over the past 11 years living with chronic pain, patient advocacy has affected my life through so many remarkable young people, women and men: SURVIVORS. These individuals are HOPE personified. I wish to honor them in the same spirit they have encouraged me to press on. Four years ago, I became bed-bound from a variety of chronic illnesses after a procedure meant to help the pain condition I had been managing for several years- went bust #BIGTIME. In the last 4 years, my entire life has changed. I have changed, but I am still striving to live my best life possible. Along with sharing inspiring pieces, medical/holistic research, and awareness articles, this blog is also an attempt to put my own pieces back together. Welcome to A Body of Hope, and thank you for visiting. [Complex Regional Pain Syndrome/ RSD, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Dysautonomia, Chronic Intractable Migraine, Cluster headache, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Occipital Neuralgia, Hypersensitivity to Sound & Light, Fibromyalgia, Cerebrospinal Fluid Imbalance......blah, blah, blah] >>> P.S. My headgear is protective for pain. I just rock it hard.

Posted on February 9, 2016, in Being Myself, divorce, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 28 Comments.

  1. Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    I don’t have any supportive words. It takes a lot of strength to share your heart like this though and for that I applaud you. I also know of many other similar stories and hopefully your openness will help them as well in their journey. I wish you the very best. -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here. Please visit their blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish there was something I could say that wouldn’t sound cliche or empty, but really there’s not. It’s like…today I spoke to a man on the phone who had let his cable bill slip because after they got installed his wife had a rapid onset of cancer that took her away last week. He’s spent the past week arranging and attending a funeral and I spent twenty minutes on the phone with him while he cried because every time he turned around, he saw her pictures hanging on the wall and it tore him up. At that time, I didn’t know what to say. What can you do but listen? All I knew to do after was to conclude my call like normal and ask him if there was anything else I could help him with. He asked me to take the pain away. I wish there was some way I could have.
    You may be past that point, but I don’t know where you are or if you still sometimes cry like I know my friend does who’s been divorced for nine months now as well. But I couldn’t just read this and not comment because I feel like you need to know that others are wishing you well and are here to listen and support you, even if there’s nothing we can say to help make that pain go away or make it easier.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I so appreciate your genuine response. Your call today sounds so difficult; he landed on a very compassionate operator who I know took care of him better than anyone else could have.
      What a horrible life-changing loss for him and his family.

      Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone and your friend is still healing as well.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sometimes genuine is the best way to go I feel. Really the only way you should go, to be honest.
        It wasn’t the easiest but it honestly wasn’t the hardest I’ve ever had. I did everything I could for him and got him back online at least so he could get lost in helping his students from home.
        It really is, he had said his daughter came to stay with him and didn’t know if she’d stay now that her mother was gone, but I truly hope for his sake that she does. At least for a while.
        Something I’ve learned, in this vast technological world, somewhere, someway, you are never alone. 🙂

        Like

  3. I am sorry for your pain. I hope that these posts help you to cope and find peace. Lori

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I remember your “A Season of Waiting” post and I remember at the time it made a lot of sense to me, though for very different reasons. I usually prefer not to be kept in limbo, but sometimes thoughts and emotions can be so draining that waiting doesn’t seem to take that much energy.

    I know a lot of people who have never been without a relationship in their lives. Ever since they started having girlfriends/boyfriends, they have never been alone, going from one relationship to another. And because I’ve had long periods in my life when I was single, they tell me that at least I know how to be alone, and that that’s an advantage. I get what they mean. Sure, I learned to take care of myself without being dependent, and I learned to enjoy my own company. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel horribly lonely sometimes, that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about a future with a chronic condition and no friendly hand to hold next to me.

    And I feel like I just hijacked your comments sections to talk about me, but this is truly just a way of saying that, in my humble way, I deeply deeply empathize with your struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You feel free to take my comments section for a ride any time! Your message is exactly what I want to hear from you and discuss with you.
      I need to hear how other sinlgles with chronic illness take care of themselves, as that is my biggest concern right now still being so disabled and dependent, it is bothersome to me not to be able to “start over” with my independent mind I know that you relate to that.

      I so relate to your feelings about loneliness. I agree that being alone without becoming lonely, being able to enjoy one’s own company occupied is a great gift. Friends of mine who have split became terribly lonely right away, and sought out relationships to heal the loneliness. Even after so many years of being married, so young, I don’t feel that thirst for company, even though I do miss my ex of course. E, I think that no matter how long in your own future you are happily in a relationship, you’ll always carry that ability to be alone with yourself, independent, and comfortable with it. It’s a unique part of who you are.
      There are some parts of being alone I’ll discuss later that are very difficult which are much harder- but more existential. This is a blog post on its own, lol
      I’m so grateful to have an independent, single, strong spoonie woman like you as a friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I wish you hope and the promise of a terrific new path. I’ve no way of knowing how you feel, but new beginnings can be the best thing that happens to us sometimes. Stay positive. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Having been though a divorce myself, I have an idea of what you are going through emotionally.

    Hang in there but a word of advice. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time to reflect. Most importantly give yourself time to realize your self worth, that you can make it “on your own” and you do not need to be in a relationship to define you.

    You loving yourself is worth the time and effort! Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sending you so much love and wanted to say how amazing you are to write so openly and honestly. I pray you find comfort and hope through the pain and that you know you have a band of people in your corner cheering for you and wishing you brighter and happier days. You have so much strength xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your supportive message, Lisa. I have peace most of the time, so I think people must be praying for me- that’s the only thing I can think of lending this grace. And I’m so thankful for it.
      I hope you have a soft peaceful day xo

      Like

  8. “I’m trying to grow accustomed to managing life on my own. …Without having someone to share these pitfalls and triumphs with.”
    I literally almost cried. I wish you all the best for your future. I hope happiness is waiting for you just around the corner. Stay blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Time will heal you and with God’s help too. The reason why it feels so utterly painful is because “two become one” – a supernatural spiritual transaction took place when you married. I’m divorced and though I left because of domestic violence and was happy and relieved to be away from him and with my son safe, I still experienced my spirit being ripped away from someone I was once spiritually joined with, and yeah that freaking hurts – bad. Never be hard on yourself. God says take things one day at a time because tomorrow is too much for any of us to bear anyway. I pray these over you > “You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.” Job 11:16 NIV & “‘Yes indeed, it won’t be long now.’ GOD’s Decree. ‘Things are going to happen so fast your head will swim, one thing fast on the heels of the other. You won’t be able to keep up. Everything will be happening at once – and everywhere you look, blessings! Blessings like wine pouring off the mountains and hills.’” (Amos 9:13 MSG) God can “make you forget” this and how bad it feels to you right now. God has good things in store for you. Better. He removes old things to bring His best. I say this tenderly—the Lord wants you to look forward with Him for the new things He’s bringing into your life. God bless you. You posts are beautiful and refreshing. The words you share are real and raw and a blessing to others. God bless you precious child of God.

    Like

  10. I’m so behind in reading blogs. I want to tell you how wonderful, creative,inspiring, woman of faith and strength you are. I am so blessed to have discovered your blog and become your friend. I’m here supporting you all the way and sending many many gentle hugs ❤

    Like

    • Kathleen, I’m always behind reading blogs, that’s why it’s so humbling that people like you come around to visit. Thank you so much for having my back and being my friend. I so appreciate your example in my life ❤ Hoping you have the best day possible today with plenty of smiles, Hugs back to you!d

      Liked by 1 person

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