Dear Body, I’m breaking up with you
There are many things you can forgive your body for, but there are moments, relationships, days in life you miss which you will never get back, unforgettable, unforgivable events you are denied in the face of disability. My body is broken, and she continues to break my heart.
This is how those of us with chronic diseases struggle so deeply to have “self love.” Trapped inside bodies that attack us, and hearts which shoulder the guilt of our loved one’s pain from the hurt our illnesses have caused- child, love thyself. Love your abuser. Forgive the one which harms those you love the most. Forgive, forgive, forgive….
Body, you have taken my choices from me all of my adult life. Body, you are the abusive relationship I have never been able to flee. Body, you have stolen my health, my career, fun, freedom… my dreams. No permission was granted to you, yet you take all you touch. You are a jealous, volatile disease, and you only care about your own needs. I have suffered abuse and trauma at the hands of doctors on your account, though, you still batter me without compassion. I’ve been abandoned and made to feel worthless, INVISIBLE because of you body; I’ve had enough of your games!
Body, I break up with you. Sorry, not sorry.
I tear you from my soul and leave you. I will still care for you, because I am obligated. I am bound to you in ways I cannot choose, but I will no longer adore you. I will not call you my own. We are committed to one another, but I turn my back to you, body. From here on out, you will be “Body” and I will go forward being Me.
This is my self love. This is my self compassion. This is my choice.
I rage against your victimization. Your assault on my essence is over. I choose to make my life despite you, in spite of you!
I choose, I choose, I choose.
My flesh and bone surrenders, but my spirit rises up! Your reign, your emotional and psychological torture is over. Call it dissociation, call it compartmentalizing, call it what you will- it IS a detachment, and it is necessary.
I sign the papers and I box up your things. You can live in the basement and I will now and forevermore preside upstairs, in charge of THIS HOUSE.
Sign here X _________________
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Posted on February 22, 2016, in Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Disability, Inspiration, Transformation, Uncategorized, Vizualization and tagged acquired brain injury, awareness, Break up with my body, CFS, Chiari, Chronic Illness, chronic life, chronic migraine, Chronic pain, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, Coping with illness, crps, Depersonalization, disabled, Dissociation, Dissociation in illness, Dysautonomia, EDS, fibromyalgia, illness, Intracraial Hypertension, life with disability, Living with a chronic illness, Living with a rare disease, ME/CFS, migraine, MS, Nervember, Occipital Neuralgia, pain management, POTS, PTSD, Rare Disease, Rare disease Day, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, Resiliance, rsd, sci, Self compassion, self-love, Spinal Cord Injury, Spoonie, tbi, traumatic brain injury, Trigeminal Neuralgia. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.
aBodyofHope 
The body follows the mind – so as long as your are mentally strong, you can succeed in making “your flesh and bone” respond to your spirit! Go for it!!
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That’s a great point, Vic! Thank you for that wise reminder 🙂
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Love your words and I embrace the same. I would applaud you if it wouldn’t hurt ,but I am sending you a gentle hug. Your strength is matched by your grace ❤
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Thank you for understanding what I meant in this post, Kathleen. I always feel a hug through your loving kind words. It means so much that you take the energy to comment when you are in such pain yourself. No pain hugs back to you!
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Hi, thanks for your lovely and positive feedback on one of my recent posts. It’s great to know I’m reaching someone in the enormous world of the web. I love the side bar on your blog about inspiring blogs (thanks for including me). I look forward to reading more of your blog posts as well as checking out some of the other blogs that inspire you. It’s great to connect with people who are experiencing some of the same issues. As far as the body goes in relation to the above post,I find I’m anxious sometimes about future plans (study, travel etc). I never know what challenges my body will throw at me just as I’m embarking on something new.
cheers
ms mary p
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Thanks so much for your comment! You’ve made my day!
I’ve started following you and look forward to reading more awesome posts from your page. Thank you for reading a couple of my pieces and for following! That means so much to me.
I was a Ms Mary P once as well! How about that 🙂
Have a great weekend!
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Sometimes we must rage against the dying. I feel you doing that here. I know this feeling all too well. Over the years I’ve come to an uneasy peace with my body though. Ultimately it’s taught me lessons I really needed to learn that I wouldn’t have embraced any other way. And for that I’m (begrudgingly) grateful.
So now we have reached a place where we cohabitate with some degree of cooperation, my body and I. And a lot of times I CAN have love (but not always… definitely not always!)
Find your way to that uneasy truce. Because peace is worth having. Don’t allow the illness to rob you of that too…
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I love that, Miranda, “an uneasy truce.” I listen to her, I don’t hate her, but I do still see her as my bully. I hope in time I can grow to have the compassion for my body that you have grown to have for yours.
Thank you so much for your comment.
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