Holiday Pity Party

The only Christmas party I’m going to this holiday is a pity party.

My husband and family go out of their way to make sure I’m as comfortable as possible. My husband packs my bags and does the arduous task of transporting me to my parent’s house just up the road. My mother and father prepare me a clean, quiet, dark room where I stay the rest of my time here. My mom even set up a small Christmas tree for me this year.

The trip always takes so much out of me that my ongoing migraine and facial nerve pain, leg and body pain, heart and POTS issues flare for a few days from the short transport.

Like Thanksgiving, I lay in this back room and listen to the family festivities muffled by my earplugs. It’s such a bittersweet feeling. As I can hear laughter and singing from the dinner table, I can picture their smiles- everyone together… Yet, the waves of sadness and loss hit me like jolts to my gut. This past Thanksgiving, I put on my soundproofing headset and got on facebook to distract myself. I am so happy to celebrate with my friends online and excited to see all of their pictures of family and Christmas crafting. When I’m feeling low, even these are stark reminders of all of the things that are no longer a part of my life.

“Always winter and never Christmas.” -C.S. Lewis

I absolutely have had worse health in years past, so why don’t I feel excited this year? Maybe it is because last year I had such high hopes that I would be so much better by now. Maybe it’s because I worked so hard all year to improve my wellness and my body met me with countless setbacks throughout the year. Maybe it’s because I feel stuck when I look ahead into the coming year.

I’m so grateful my family has their health. I’m grateful I have so much support, so much love, people who want to help me. It’s very old needing help all day every day from my loved ones, of course. I’ve just been feeling down and being stuck in this bed for years while the world goes on- hurts. Everything seems to hurt right now. The chronic pain and chronic illness I don’t feel guilty about, of course; but, when my glass is so full of things and people I’m so thankful for, and so many others are suffering without hope, I do feel embarrassed feeling heartbroken over Christmas this year.

This holiday, more than other Christmases, I’m spending time in prayer, reading Scripture, and trying to remember that Christmas really isn’t about all of the traditions I can’t participate in. Christmas is meant to be about worship. I have a special gift to be able to spend more time focused on the Lord these past years away from all of the distractions. If you are like me and the holidays have taken you to a dark place this year, I am praying right now that all reading this will feel the comfort of the Lord filling the broken places of your heart this season and all year. -aBodyofHope

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17