Are you in a heat wave? It seems the entire country is encountering record high’s this week. Our AC has been pushing so hard that it shut down! It got ugly in here, but thankfully, it wasn’t out for long.
Just the short spell of overheating, and increased pain gave me a better appreciation for the privilege of air conditioning. Things which are so commonplace to us in this part of the world, are luxuries to others who don’t have the same amenities.
That’s something I’ve been considering more and more in regard to health.
Not that we should compare ourselves to anyone else, but it can be valuable to approach your life from a different lens now and then.
So, I share my own perspectives with you in the hope it encourages you in your life as so many of you have encouraged me.
So many are dying globally from diseases that can be managed, even treated successfully. I can’t even imagine living the life I’ve been handed in an area where water is miles away, let alone a doctor. But there are children, teens, women, and men who do these same battles each day armed with so much less.
It breaks my heart to think about how people go on living in the same unimaginable pain, and try to accept these very same conditions without the hope of treatment so many of us have here. But, I imagine their lives aren’t built around doctors, medications, and treatments, but instead, seeking to find more meaning behind the curtain of life.
In my reality, it’s easy to fall into depression over the people and life opportunities that I’ve lost in the wake of illness.
Grief is an important part of processing major life changes. There’s nothing wrong with sadness and sorrow. Self loathing and hating my life, however would be.
Still, I struggle with feelings of hopelessness, as is common for all of us fighting chronic pain and rare diseases. As if our bodies aren’t suffering enough, we can suffer just as much in mind and spirit.
I suppose that’s why the mission of seeking out hope is so meaningful to me. I know we don’t always have the strength to find hope for ourselves; our lives at times appear devoid of all light. That’s why I wanted this to be a place anyone could reach out and find it when needed.
A short online course on the history of disability last month had quite an impact on me. Individuals from India, Japan, China, Africa, Australia and the UK shared their personal experiences living with various impairments.
Around the world, people like myself are viewed as cursed, and are disowned by society. Many believe their conditions were brought on by sins from their past lives, or they believe they are being punished for wrongs done by their ancestors. In many parts of the world, society sees disability as contagious- even demonic. It’s not uncommon for disabled children to live on the street, or to be “put away” in facilities for life. We have a shameful history of treating our disabled brethren in a less than dignified manner here in the states as well.
I think of my own faith and how it has shaped my experience through this journey. Jesus was never afraid of being seen around sickness, disability, poverty, or with the people who had been most marginalized. He put a spotlight on the parts of society which had been ignored. He didn’t run away, He ran toward people who were suffering.
I’m not the young woman I was 13 years ago- I’ve been changed by this journey.
There’s always a new version of us that emerges from the flames of adversity; we have to get to know ourselves again and what each new chapter of life will bring next.
I know having multiple rare diseases isn’t a life anyone anywhere would wish for.
Yet, this is my one life, and I’m tasked with finding a way to make the most of the days I have. That challenge to myself can seem impossible, but I’ve become convinced that the fight is worth it. My life is worth fighting for.
And so is yours.
Below is more information about our disabled brothers and sisters around the globe.
-Today in the United States, chronic pain patients are often denied treatment, especially if their condition responds best to opioid pain medication.
-In Japan, women were forced to terminate their pregnancies if the baby was found to have an abnormality. (This law was abolished as recently as 1995.)
-In China, disabled individuals are depicted on tv like side shows which doesn’t translate easily for disabled individuals living in society.
- 70 million people need a wheelchair, but only 10% have access to one
- 360 million people have significant hearing loss, but less than 10% of people who need hearing aids have access to them.
- 93 million children worldwide have moderate or severe disability
Mental Illnesses are on the rise worldwide.
- Depression: 300 million people
- Bipolar affective disorder: 60 million
- Schizophrenia & other psychotic disorders: 21 million
Chronic Illness has become a worldwide epidemic.
- 300 million people live with Rare Diseases (1/2 are children).
- Chronic Pain effects 1.5 Billion people around the world.
- It’s estimated that 60% of the world’s population has at least one chronic illness (highest percentages in developing countries).
Think of the nervous system like a boombox up on your shoulder, 80’s style, playing sweet jams at all times. When the body is healthy, balanced, and running smoothly, the music playing from your system’s radio station are your favorite hits at the perfect volume, and your drop-in harmonies are totally on point.
When the nervous system is out of sync, those beats flowing from your station are tragic- like the song you hate most, on the loudest setting, playing over and over again. You can’t change the station, no matter what lengths you go to!
When you have a chronic neurological condition like Parkinson’s, Multiple Sclerosis, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, or Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome for example, it’s as though someone traded out your cool retro stereo system for an old broken down radio. You can play records on it sometimes, and it’s AMAZING to listen to any music again when you’re not in a flare or a relapse, but even then, all the records have scratches on them, so the music is constantly skipping and warped. The stereo’s wiring gets so bad over time that the record player doesn’t work anymore, and your radio only receives static.
A chronically malfunctioning nervous system is like listening to a broken radio stuck on static at full volume constantly.
When the “music” or the nervous system’s wiring is flowing properly from the brain throughout the body, pain receptors react to appropriate painful stimuli, telling us when there is a problem, and the pain subsides when the problem is resolved. When we have “faulty wiring” we may experience hypersensitivity to touch, sound, light or even smells so intense that it can cause a severely painful reaction. Think of raw wires on the end of electronics sparking and flaming just to the slightest touch.
The malfunctioning nervous system might react to normal stimulus with severe increased pain, increased stress may cause a seizure, or in others severe tremors and body spasms may occur. For some with POTS, (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), a loud noise or changing positions can cause the body to completely check out, going into fight or flight mode, and beginning to pass out, or passing out completely.
Going back to the stereo analogy, imagine being invited to a party where the DJ had a broken stereo system, playing static on blast or his stereo catching fire in front of everyone. That’s exactly what it’s like to live with a chronic neurological disease…well, sort of.
Meditation, spirituality, organized religion, trying to improve sleep, and other stress reducing efforts are ways we try to turn down the knob on the stereo. Medications, alternative therapies, eating well, surrounding ourselves with positive support are all ways we can continue turning the knob down little by little. The static kicks out on full blast each day, and we use our tools to adjust or manage the incoming noise levels. We may not have the ability to turn the station away from the blaring static and back to music, but we can attempt to turn the volume down so it isn’t blasting constantly every day.
Invasive and surgical approaches to treating neurological diseases are like kicking the side of your stereo to try to get it to work again. Jolting it hard enough may coax the system to finally play music once again, or you might kick it so hard that you completely break your stereo. For many, surgery and invasive treatments are worth a risk of causing additional problems for the possibility of returning to good health and functioning.
That’s my super-scientific explanation of the nervous system, and how it’s exactly like a boom box. So…. this analogy might not end up in a medical school text book, but if it helped anyone better understand an aspect of neurological disease, or put a smile on your face, then virtual high fives all around!
As chronic illness sufferers, we are so often reminded of something that I believe is of great detriment to our well being. When well people tell us that our health struggles, our personal challenges, the great storms of our lives “will some day be of use.”
I’ve grown to loathe this idea. I realize that it is meant to be an encouragement, however, it causes myself and my brothers and sisters in pain deeper despair. “Some day?” It’s as though they are reminding us that we don’t have as much to give until we are restored to health. I completely reject anything of the sort!
I believe that you and I are worthy and valuable just as we are. Yes, right now. You were no more “special” when your nervous system was working properly, but I can attest that the memory of wellness certainly has a shining halo around it.
We feel so small and insignificant after illness devours our lives, and those we love in its wake. There is no “after the tsunami lifts” with chronic illness, as we are always seeking out cover, our safe places are constantly being destroyed, and the physical and emotional turmoil can feel endless. My personal peace rests in God, a relationship which has grown inside of my own tsunami.
This message of purpose is one I try to frequent on this page because I struggle so deeply with the whispers that my life isn’t enough, I should be doing more, and I would be so much more valuable as a person if only my body worked again.
This is my pride speaking!
In those moments when the whispers win, I have forgotten how many opportunities I’m supplied with to have an impact, even in the very midst of my personal battles. Maybe, and probably because of my personal struggles, I’ve been allowed these chances. What seemingly small opportunities and connections might you be taking for granted in your own life?
The next time someone reminds you that all the pain and struggles you are battling will be worth “something” some day, please remind them that pain doesn’t have to stay hidden, and that your time traveling the path of illness is not a waste.
I don’t believe we have to wait until we’re perfect for our lives to have value. If that’s true, then I guess we will all be waiting forever!
Are we meant to see the silver lining in every storm before God can give us purpose through it? Even in the very midst of the battle, your story, your experience, your willingness to relate to and comfort others is so rare and valuable that it stands out among the noise and busy crowded world we live in.
It’s so easy to withdraw when the going gets tough. In time, however, we feel so marginalized and isolated. You do have a voice. Your story, your purpose, your personal gifts matter- and you are needed in this world.
We greatly undervalue the quiet connections, asking others how they are and actually listening in return, sending a note by mail to a struggling friend, or letting someone know they’ve been in your prayers.
Society does not measure these acts as successes, but what if you redefine what success means in your life? You may have very little energy to spare, but what you have to share is precious.
I believe God’s measure of success looks much different than our own. We become so focused on perfection, staying hidden until the right moment to present ourselves shiny and clean, having overcome our difficult and uncomfortable circumstances. This is what the rest of the world applauds. But don’t we each have unique and valuable lessons to share that come with the daily perseverance of ongoing trials?
It’s one thing to be crippled by a body that relentlessly fights against you, but please don’t believe the lie that you are less-than or it will cripple your spirit.
What is the difference between positive thinking and healthy coping?
“Keep thinking positively!”
“Keep your chin up!”
These are very common cliche responses we hear from society as individuals with ongoing health difficulties. They aren’t incorrect responses, but when those responding seem to believe this is truly how we handle the horrible pain/illness, terrifying future of further health concerns, and crushing regular losses which all come with long-term illness, then encouraging “positive thinking” alone can have quite a negative fallout.
For example, if one is in severe pain (meaning pain worse than a fracture or pain worse than childbirth, but constant, daily, and indefinite) after years, with treatments only failing, and close friends continue to say, “stay positive” as their only source of inspiration, will those words be uplifting over time? No, the attempt at encouragement over time will add to your feelings of isolation, making you feel increasingly deflated, rather than the intention of making you feel more positive, optimistic, and empowered.
Would you say, “suck it up” to a friend who is grieving over the loss of a parent? I certainly hope not. Essentially, this is the idea surrounding “positive thinking.” The concept that the more we “suck it up,” the better off we will be, and the stronger we are.
PS, Our bodies work exactly the opposite of this construct.
The more we avoid pain, the more we distract ourselves from our true emotions (not negative emotions, but real emotions), the more likely our bodies are to feel the stress fallout and rage against us. One with a chronic disease would do well to minimize stress; we know this from immense research (and I can tell you this from my own personal research on chronic pain and chronic illness!).
Minimizing stress is not equal to avoiding difficult emotions or distracting from pain. We have to face our pain and emotions, recognize them, meet them, and accompany them through our lives. They won’t allow us to abandon them, and we know that trying to do so only causes added difficulty down the road.
In Positive Thinking, saying “sure, I’m doing fine” may make others more comfortable temporarily, but it is not necessarily “healthy” for you or for the relationship. Positive Thinking encourages us to become more closed off, in turn others also allow more distance to grow until the relationship diminishes. They realize everything is far from “fine” but both take part in a ritual of pretending everything is wonderful because it’s far more comfortable than confronting the reality.
“Healthy coping… differs from the popular notion of “positive thinking.” It implies the capacity to tolerate and express concerns and emotions not just the ability to put anxieties aside. Being able to discuss the anxieties, uncertainties and fears, losses and sadness that usually accompany severe illness is generally helpful, despite the pressure commonly exerted by family and friends for the patient to always “keep a positive out-look.”25 “Positive thinking” may represent an attempt to avoid confronting the distress of chronic illness, and doctors who care for these patients and their families are not immune to such patterns of coping.” Quote from a study in -Emotional Demensions of Chronic Disease
So often during the course of chronic disease, we have to make choices between the temporary comfort of others, and protecting our own welfare. Regularly, our bodies make that decision for us and force us to miss out. Especially then, healthy coping is paramount! It helps us re-gain some footing again. The openness in healthy coping encourages sharing, allowing others around you to understand where you are, what happened in the situation, how they might play a role in being there for you, and how you can be there for them. It lets others know you aren’t too fragile to listen to them and what they are going through, either. Most likely, those around you are feeling helpless, and would like to be there for you, but don’t know how- or how to ask. Being specific in our needs can help us find our own voice, and being more open also can help others who care about us join in on our “support team.”
Fair warning, most will not know how to respond appropriately, but you may be surprised who is game to see how they can be there for you in big or small ways. In being more open, you may also find that your example sets off a chain reaction in others to become more open with you in how they are doing as well. Healthy coping is so much more contagious than positive thinking, because it encourages support, connection, and community!
Isn’t positive thinking the same as optimism? No. Optimism has more to do with responsibility, letting go of guilt, and looking to the past, present and future without seeing yourself as a burden. I recommend reading the book, Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.
Healthy Coping differs from Positive Thinking in that healthy coping requires us to lean into our feelings- both physically and mentally. Checking in with ourselves periodically, and then making minor adjustments to our lives to course correct for better balance. This may mean you need more rest, more exercise, more time with friends, another visit to a doctor, see a psychologist, open up to a good friend, eat differently, spend more time focused on your spiritual life, take better care of yourself, etc. Chronic illness requires us to make these adjustments frequently instead of thinking everything is going to work itself out until the ignored symptoms or stress build up. Healthy Coping may be the more deliberate, mindful path, but it is the path of self care instead of conveying a false smile.
To start making these adjustments, we can ask, “How are you?” instead of “Are you ok?” A yes or no question forces us to choose only negative or positive, however, healthy coping encourages others to share and touch base with one another and ourselves- this is how support and compassion are built. We don’t have to choose sides in healthy coping. Try not to think of your days as being good or bad, black or white, suffering or overcoming, but instead- working to find balance every day, always learning from your body and those around you, and doing the best you can now, in this moment.
Today, May 12th is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/SEID) and Fibromyalgia World Awareness Day. This blogger @ Tips for ME discusses the mysteries of ME/CFS. Particularly interesting to me is the “Canary” or sensitivities aspect, which after 5 years, my doctors still haven’t been able to understand why I can hardly tolerate my own voice, sounds, lights, or smells. Chemical sensitivities alone can be such a confining aspect of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME for so many CFS/ME sufferers.
Thank you for checking out a few of these enlightening ME/CFS facts, life wisdom, and helping raise awareness today!
This ’10 insights’ #May12BlogBomb post is a perspective from the awareness of having ME, looking outwards at the world through the lens of ME. I believe that people with ME (pwme) have useful observations to contribute to society, perhaps a little akin to Old Testament minor prophets. This can be compared to the voices of other marginalised people groups, such as the queer community, the Equal Rights Movement and feminism. Each marginalised group gains different insights on life, related to their specific barriers to inclusion.
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When I had an opportunity to sample Hfactor Hydrogen Water, I was only hoping it would lower my dehydration level and switch up my normal water>>dehydrated>>water>> dehydrated>>cycle. However, once I began researching the studies on hydrogen rich water, I realized that Hfactor is more like a supplement than just a bottled water.
I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company.
One of my conditions called Dysautonomia, causes me to be perpetually dehydrated. I drink a whopping 200 oz. of old fashioned H2O every day, and still, I remain dehydrated. Those with Dysautonomia are forever in search of fluids that will hydrate well and lessen fatigue, all without spiking or dropping blood sugar.
Many drinks that promise hydration or energy are also artificially sweetened, and are short-acting in benefit. Hfactor’s company website suggests drinking 2 packs per day. If this infusion of hydrogen water could turn my water guzzling into part time instead of full time, I’m interested.
According to my research, hydrogen infused water can improve circulation, performance, speed recovery, balance blood sugar, and lower inflammation.
Through digestion, the hydrogen acts as an anti-oxidant, fighting free radicals, and lowering inflammation. (Free radicals can damage cells and set off a negative chain reaction.)
Hydrogen infused water and saline have been studied in physical conditions and symptoms like muscle fatigue, periodontitis, pancreatitis, gingivitis, allergies, diabetes, cancer treatment side effects, bladder pain in Interstitial Cystitis, healing in severe burns, hypertension, brain injury, Parkinson’s, Mast Cell Activation, and all of these studies reported positive results.
In studies on patients, mice, and elite athletes, the hydrogen rich water ingested orally, affects the body through the digestion process. Though there are advantages of inhaling hydrogen, and from IV saline, it seems that during digestion there is a reaction to the hydrogen water which sets off a chain in the body, producing added benefits.
According to studies, the effects of hydrogen rich water are progressive. The longer and more regularly you drink it, the more improvement you’ll enjoy. The company, Hfactor, suggests drinking 2 waters each day, and always within 30 minutes of opening the package.
My first impression was HFactor’s packaging looks pretty rad and reminded me of Capri Sun from back in the day. The innovative packaging is designed to keep the tiny little hydrogen molecules from escaping (for all the nerds like me who needed to know). I wonder if there’s another benefit? If you have a child with an Autoimmune condition, Seizure disorder, or Diabetes, HFactor’s kid-friendly packaging and easy-to-sip-from straw might make this water more attractive to a child who would ordinarily only go for a boxed or canned (sweet) drink.
HFactor tastes like water. Crisp water, with no aftertaste or carbonation. Personally, since all I drink is water, I’m quite happy not to sip an artificial-tasting, sugary drink loaded with chemicals. Most beverages affect my blood sugar, but studies show that hydrogen infused water can actually help to control blood sugar.
I sipped 2 packs of HFactor every day for a week, and by the end of the week, I may have noticed my fatigue slightly lessening. It may have put a dent in my brain fog (cognitive disturbance), but it’s hard to say for sure.
On the down side, every time I had a package, it caused my intractable head pain to worsen, and some increased full body zappy action was telling me the water wasn’t a placebo. (I should note that many drinks do trigger my pain to increase.)
I am curious if this was a reaction to the introduction of hydrogen, and if I continued to drink Hfactor regularly over time, if the short-term worsening pain I experienced might subside? I like that the product is made in the USA, and the packaging has a low carbon footprint.
It’s meant to be torn open to place the straw inside, although with my fatigue and pain playing on high mode that week, I had to use scissors to cut them open instead.
At $3 per package, drinking 2 per day is something I would have to consider. If I were a coffee drinker or chugged sports drinks each day, I would easily be able to justify only $6/day extra.
HFactor can be purchased at http://www.hfactorwater.com/
HFactor Water has been recognized globally for their water and specially designed packaging. This is a quote from their 2015 FoodBev Innovation Awards acceptance press release: “Until now, previous hydrogen products in the global market were manufactured utilizing magnesium and chemical processes. Products were hitting shelves contained in packaging that scientifically could not maintain the integrity of their hydrogen-enriched claims.”
The most important take-away for me is that HFactor Water is an anti-oxidant rich drink, with anti-inflammatory benefits that may have the power to raise my energy over time, help balance blood sugar, and has more positive effects the more I drink it.
For me, this was just a fun opportunity to sample new water, and as I researched the benefits of Hydrogen Water, I realized that this is a real emerging health tool and I’m excited to share the information with you!
I’m a pretty tough customer in physical therapy. But, the other day my physical therapist said something very poignant that gave me pause. I’d like to share it with you.
He said, because I’ve had chronic illness for so long, I’ve adopted so many coping strategies to help me through. So many techniques and methods I call my own to get me from one day to the next. (And here he is teaching this old dog new tricks.) However, he was right when he asked me, “Is all of this still working for you?”
You start collecting techniques from the very first moment you hear the word, “permanent” or “chronic.” Our doctors don’t help as quickly as our own shifts and wriggles take effect. Soon enough, you’ve built a pattern for yourself that is keeping you going. Over so many years, and multiple conditions, you better believe I have some modalities and some definite patterns! Are they still working for me?
Could they be holding me back?
Adaptation is paramount with chronic illness. You have to be able to rebuild in order to find purpose again, to find yourself again amid your ever-changing body. But as your body changes, does the structure that you built change with it?
For instance, if all you were once able to do is use the computer or your smart phone, maybe you grew a strong online network which gave you purpose. You could have done nothing instead, but you were brave and reached out to others online. It was incredible how much your work online distracted from your illness and impacted your life and the lives of others! It may have even saved your life. But as your body changes, you realize you can do more tactile work like crafting. Is spending as much time on the computer still working for you? Or, could it even be holding you back from moving more?
I have to go over so many of the coping tools I use- all of the amazing methods which have helped me to this point and ask this question. It’s spring after all; time for a spring cleaning of sorts. Is it STILL working? It may have saved my life last year, but will it take me to my next goal this year?
Because of my chronic monsters, the upcoming “Miracle Day”(aka wedding) will require some special technology. I’ve been prepping for about a year, and have done some research to quiet my critters. Would you like to see some of the gear I’ve found?
Even though I am still uncertain how my body will react at the wedding and how long all of my issues (see my about page for specifics) will allow me to stay at the ceremony, having this “armor” makes me feel more ready to attempt this ‘impossible’ feat. I know everything will be in the red zone, but my sister is counting on putting eyes on me when she is at the alter. She needs me there, so these little gadgets are going to add minutes to my miracle- and some extra minutes are all we need, baby! A good friend of mine thesickdiva blog said she’s praying my endorphin’s will kick in and I’ll be there for an hour instead. That would be amazing! Thank you, Jenny!
Ear plugs– I have so many different kinds. I usually use the soft foam kind for comfort. PS, these come in many sound-blocking capacities. But for this special occasion, I’ve purchased Decubulz which have the highest NRR available. I have yet to mold and fit them, which will take help, and boiling water, so we’ll see if they work as well as advertised. I’ll let you know how they work out.
Headgear– Bose wireless sound canceling headset has been on my wishlist for a long time. They have been such a blessing since the holidays! (Thank you Aunt Darlene.) I don’t know how I ever lived without them. Before, I was using gunrange type headgear, and they were not only very tight and painful, but they didn’t offer much sound protection. The Bose are the best sound protection available, and much more comfortable resting on my neuropathic head and face. I like that I can wear them as needed, and then I can flip the switch on the side for the sound blocking feature before my head explodes. It helps turn down the pain and some of the fight or flight sensory overload symptoms. I wish it blocked out all sound, but they are a big improvement over any other headset I’ve tried.
Theraspecs Sunglasses– I did a great deal of research on migraine reducing shades before deciding. Many of my friends have prescription eye wear for light sensitivity, but a physically wearing trip to a new doctor plus lights being shone in my eyes for new specs was off the table for myself, though if you are reading this with headache disorders triggered by light, prescription shades is one of the options. I was relieved to find there are many kinds of shades to choose from. My friends said to look into Serengeti shades, sporting eyewear, and rose tinted lenses. I did. I soon found this company, Theraspecs, which was started by a woman whose severe migraines are brought on by light. She and her husband make lenses with several kinds of filters, (including FL41) and will even custom make your shades if you send in your favorite frames (winning!). Since getting mine from Theraspecs, I notice a big difference in screen brightness from my laptop, Kindle and phone. I’ve yet to try them outdoors, but I’ll be giving them a spin in a couple of evenings! My Aunt also got a pair of theraspecs custom made, so we will give you an update on head pain reduction. We were both very impressed with the level of communication from the company, and customer service.
Bride’s Maid Dress– We were told to pick our own dresses (with criteria). I absolutely love the one I found. As you can imagine, I have not purchased any (non-pajama) clothing for a very long time. I’m so excited to wear it! I haven’t worn makeup in quite a while, either and found some fab red lipstick that I hope will accentuate my pale…ehem porcelain complexion. (The sale price is not what I paid.) ASOS is one of my favorite online clothing shops for gifts and “lounge wear.” Here are one of my accessories that I’m excited about wearing as well; it’s both functional and fabulous. If anything else, I will be put-together on the outside! (wink)
Reclining Wheelchair– Such exciting news!!! Even though last week was one of the worst in a long time (that’s saying something folks!), this wheelchair was such an amazing gift to my life! I’m so stoked about this! Thank you for celebrating its arrival with me, and allowing me to share it with you all!!! My reclining wheelchair was not only approved by insurance, it was already delivered! Isn’t she pretty? We usually have to rent one, and now, we have one for keepsies. As I’ve shared here before, my Postural Othostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) only allows me to sit or stand upright for a couple short minutes before going into Pre-syncope (starting to get sick and pass out). But if I’m in a reclining position, my POTS will stay in check. That is a huge relief! If I am forced to be upright for more than I can tolerate, my health can go into a setback for a while. I know this wheelchair will be an awesome step forward on my journey, and hope it leads to great progression for my life! (If your insurance has not approved your chair, try Invacare on Ebay for new, inexpensive, high quality chairs with free shipping.)
Nurse/ home health aid– I’ve had a home health aid come every week for the last several months (game-changer), and she will be assisting me at the wedding. Because of her help, no one in my family will be distracted by me, and they can focus on my sister and the wonderful event
! A great relief to both me and my sister. When I told my sister my aid would bring me to her wedding, I could tell it lifted a weight off of her shoulders. This newer aid has never taken me out of the house, so I admit that I am anxious about that. My ex-husband is really the only person who was fully aware of all of my transport issues and needs when we would attempt to go to doctor’s appointments. I’m putting a lot of trust in her professional ability and experience with other patients. She hasn’t failed me yet!
Blood pressure cuff– This is just my boring reliable old blood pressure cuff from Walgreens. We got it way back in 2011 when my one monster (RSD) invited a whole crew of critters to the party. I don’t sit around measuring my BP for kicks, but we’ll bring it along in the car just in case.
Though I wish I had a temperature controlled, sound-proof bubble I could participate in the wedding through, I can only prepare so much. We’ve been planning for over a year, I’ve been in physical therapy for months, and I have every item to make my body as cooperative as it will get. If I had not gone through all I did this past year, I don’t know if I would be ready for this day. That is a ray of sunshine coming through these clouds because I love my sister more than anything.
Just as my sister is planning all of the details to make the day as beautiful and memorable as possible, I’m planning for a smooth event as well. We can’t approach it with fear. No day is perfect, but how we enter into it mentally can change the memory completely. For me, the truth is that it will be painful and frightening. I will have to recover for a while afterward. If I can go to be present for their vows between 10-20 minutes, that would be so incredible! It will be a triumph and so precious to be there supporting my sister, her soon to be wife and our families.
I’m so honored and privileged to be her maid of honor. It has been a joy to contribute to her wedding in my own ways. I have some little surprises for her and her bride for the day of, which I’m getting excited for. It has been very difficult, sometimes heartbreaking (for both of us) not to be involved like I would be, like I SHOULD be. That river runs deep for us both, but more importantly, so does our relationship. For the ceremony, I don’t know if anything could stop me from being there in any way I could be. She is my heart. Of everything that has gone on in my own life in the last few years, wedding planning has been such a bright light I am so grateful to be included in. See you on the flip side! Thank you for rolling along with me.
There are many things you can forgive your body for, but there are moments, relationships, days in life you miss which you will never get back, unforgettable, unforgivable events you are denied in the face of disability. My body is broken, and she continues to break my heart.
This is how those of us with chronic diseases struggle so deeply to have “self love.” Trapped inside bodies that attack us, and hearts which shoulder the guilt of our loved one’s pain from the hurt our illnesses have caused- child, love thyself. Love your abuser. Forgive the one which harms those you love the most. Forgive, forgive, forgive….
Body, you have taken my choices from me all of my adult life. Body, you are the abusive relationship I have never been able to flee. Body, you have stolen my health, my career, fun, freedom… my dreams. No permission was granted to you, yet you take all you touch. You are a jealous, volatile disease, and you only care about your own needs. I have suffered abuse and trauma at the hands of doctors on your account, though, you still batter me without compassion. I’ve been abandoned and made to feel worthless, INVISIBLE because of you body; I’ve had enough of your games!
Body, I break up with you. Sorry, not sorry.
I tear you from my soul and leave you. I will still care for you, because I am obligated. I am bound to you in ways I cannot choose, but I will no longer adore you. I will not call you my own. We are committed to one another, but I turn my back to you, body. From here on out, you will be “Body” and I will go forward being Me.
This is my self love. This is my self compassion. This is my choice.
I rage against your victimization. Your assault on my essence is over. I choose to make my life despite you, in spite of you!
I choose, I choose, I choose.
My flesh and bone surrenders, but my spirit rises up! Your reign, your emotional and psychological torture is over. Call it dissociation, call it compartmentalizing, call it what you will- it IS a detachment, and it is necessary.
I sign the papers and I box up your things. You can live in the basement and I will now and forevermore preside upstairs, in charge of THIS HOUSE.
Sign here X _________________
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Just over one year ago, I wrote a post which I now believe may have been a premonition. On one of the last days of 2015 I wrote No Fear Campaign, 2015 and I have thought back to that post as well as revisited it so many times throughout this past year.
I was fueled with courage at the beginning of the year, but I had no idea why I would need it. And then the bottom dropped out of my life and I REQUIRED that courage more than ever. I suffered so much loss this year, I made a huge transition, fought a difficult battle, saw several new doctors, visited the hospital, started physical therapy, home care, and have been exposing myself to many new faces, new experiences, and could never have imagined any of this just one year ago. It’s true that this year, I’ve been in constant crisis management. But it’s also true that I’ve been managing my own crisis. That might seem like a given, but illness doesn’t always allow us that luxury.
Last year, the messages to be courageous seemed to jump out everywhere: Have no fear, do not fear, I am with you, be not afraid. If God wants you to hear a message, you will see it constantly whether it is on Facebook or Twitter or television or out of your home or in your Bible- if you feel like there is something that keeps popping up in front of you repeatedly, that message is JUST FOR YOU! Truth finds you. You can try to ignore it, but if God wants a message in front of you, He will repeat it and confirm it. It’s not a coincidence. And I am so thankful I grasped the message to have courage when I did. It truly saved my life this year and courage continues to change how I move forward.
Things are so hard now, SO HARD. But I’m planning to beat fear once again, and go to my sister’s wedding… in 7 days. This is possibly one of the scariest things I have ever attempted. And yes, I am afraid. As it comes closer, all of those I CAN’T thoughts are terrifying at times.
These posters were made around the end of last year. Around the same time that I wrote No Fear Campaign, I wrote a few other, fearless-themed posts. In one piece, I said: “The strength comes for the step you need it, not days or months ahead.” That is what I am counting on for this wedding adventure. And it helps give me peace that God will strengthen me and my body to do what needs to be done when the time comes, for my sister, and for me.
Whatever trials wait for you tomorrow, and paralyze your heart with worry today, I hope you feel comforted remembering you can call on that added strength and courage at the moment you need it. You aren’t walking your path alone.
~Peace be with you~