Holiday Pity Party
The only Christmas party I’m going to this holiday is a pity party.
My husband and family go out of their way to make sure I’m as comfortable as possible. My husband packs my bags and does the arduous task of transporting me to my parent’s house just up the road. My mother and father prepare me a clean, quiet, dark room where I stay the rest of my time here. My mom even set up a small Christmas tree for me this year.
The trip always takes so much out of me that my ongoing migraine and facial nerve pain, leg and body pain, heart and POTS issues flare for a few days from the short transport.
Like Thanksgiving, I lay in this back room and listen to the family festivities muffled by my earplugs. It’s such a bittersweet feeling. As I can hear laughter and singing from the dinner table, I can picture their smiles- everyone together… Yet, the waves of sadness and loss hit me like jolts to my gut. This past Thanksgiving, I put on my soundproofing headset and got on facebook to distract myself. I am so happy to celebrate with my friends online and excited to see all of their pictures of family and Christmas crafting. When I’m feeling low, even these are stark reminders of all of the things that are no longer a part of my life.
“Always winter and never Christmas.” -C.S. Lewis
I absolutely have had worse health in years past, so why don’t I feel excited this year? Maybe it is because last year I had such high hopes that I would be so much better by now. Maybe it’s because I worked so hard all year to improve my wellness and my body met me with countless setbacks throughout the year. Maybe it’s because I feel stuck when I look ahead into the coming year.
I’m so grateful my family has their health. I’m grateful I have so much support, so much love, people who want to help me. It’s very old needing help all day every day from my loved ones, of course. I’ve just been feeling down and being stuck in this bed for years while the world goes on- hurts. Everything seems to hurt right now. The chronic pain and chronic illness I don’t feel guilty about, of course; but, when my glass is so full of things and people I’m so thankful for, and so many others are suffering without hope, I do feel embarrassed feeling heartbroken over Christmas this year.
This holiday, more than other Christmases, I’m spending time in prayer, reading Scripture, and trying to remember that Christmas really isn’t about all of the traditions I can’t participate in. Christmas is meant to be about worship. I have a special gift to be able to spend more time focused on the Lord these past years away from all of the distractions. If you are like me and the holidays have taken you to a dark place this year, I am praying right now that all reading this will feel the comfort of the Lord filling the broken places of your heart this season and all year. -aBodyofHope
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
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Posted on December 23, 2014, in Depression and tagged Christmas, Christmas Depression, Chronic Illness, Chronic pain, crps, Disabled at Christmas, Holiday blues, Missing out at Christmas, POTS, rsd, Seeking Christ at Christmas, Wise men still seek Him. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.
aBodyofHope 
I wish you much happiness…
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Thank you very much. Same to you. Happy holidays
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Merry Christmas. May 2015 bring you better health. (((hugs)))
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Thank you so much for your lovely comment. Merry Christmas and happy new year to you as well.
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I’m wishing 2015 will bring us all better health. I’m keeping you in my thoughts. ❤
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Thank you. I feel very grateful to be going into the new year with many more friends than last through blogging. Happy Holidays, and I also wish you better health this coming year.
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Thank you for writing this. Thank you for your honesty. You are doing something important by describing some of the devastating effects and losses that comes with conditions as severe as yours. Others are feeling comforted to not be the only one, and I am reminded that the “simple” pleasures of life I take for granted are, in reality, enormous blessings. You describe so well your thankfulness for having a family who cares for you, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that chronic illness is painful, lonely, isolating, and just simply horrible at times. I will be thinking about you and praying for you this week ❤
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I really appreciate that as I was apprehensive about posting this. I don’t want to hide the distress that chronic illness brings at times. Your words mean a great deal to me.
No matter how severe mine or anyone’s problems are, there is always someone else whose suffering is greater. Yet, we still must feel our own losses as they come.
I hope you have a very joyful Christmas and find yourself surrounded by blessings everywhere you look around.
Your message really means a lot to me. Thank you.
Merry Christmas ❤
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Honesty is so important here. Just because we are healing, we are grateful, we are making progress, it doesn’t mean that complicated chronic illness and pain are any less horrible to have. The reality is that this is *hard*, especially this time of year. Not sugarcoating the awful truth of illness, while still infusing this post with your own brand of acceptance and hope, I don’t know how you did that, but again, thank you. No one does that better than you. And you reminded me gently again that I need to really focus on embracing some of the things I do every day as huge privileges, instead of moaning that they are “all i can do now”.
I will be with you in spirit this week, thinking of you and wishing there were some way to soothe the loneliness away and keep the resulting stress to your body to a minimum. ❤
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Jess,
Thank you so much for your kind words. You are always such an encouragement and I’m so grateful for you.
I debated posting this, but if I’m going to share the message that sharing about chronic illness is nothing to be ashamed about, then I must be honest in the feelings that come with it at times.
I hope you find love and joy overflowing in your heart this Christmas. There are so many adaptations we have to make every year, but disease cannot steal away the magic we hold within us.
I’m so grateful to go into the new year with you for a friend. You have meant so much to me these past months.
Merry Christmas
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I can’t quit saying it!!! You are such an inspiration. Your physical body may be sick and/or weak but your strength is unbelievable. I hope one day I’m even a fourth of the amazing woman you are!! Gentle hugs and prayers as always sweet friend!!!
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Nikki, you ARE an inspiration! You are one of the individuals who has been so uplifting this past month when things have felt empty- you have showered light and love. Thank you for always have kindness to share.
In a dark world, your light shines ♡
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Your writing is a gift to us. I can definitely empathize with you. Sending a gentle hug your way this Christmas season.
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Thank you for your kindness and empathy, Kathleen. I know I’m certainly not the only person who is struggling these holidays.
I also find your writing to be a gift, and that’s why I included you in my newest post 🙂 So grateful I found your page. And thank you for always being so encouraging.
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Finding your page was one of my highlights of 2014 🙂
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Wow, thank you so much! And I feel the very same way about you as a reader and being a reader of your page. All big wins ❤
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Some days, the breakdown between enjoying what I have versus noticing (okay, mourning) what I have no longer have is closer than I like to admit. 51% to 49%, say. At 3:00 a.m., it’s usually 49% to 51%. And then someone (you in this case) reminds me that it is okay to notice how close that emotional election in my mind and heart is running, and I start to feel stronger in my vulnerability, in being vulnerable.
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I’m sorry if you were having one of those difficult all-nighters when you wrote this. I don’t know why being up at night makes everything feel a bit worse, but it does- even when there’s nothing in particular on the schedule for the daytime.
Your “emotional election” analogy is very clever. I get the whole idea completely. Mark, I really commend you on making a choice to try to be more vulnerable in your life vs. fighting the emotions as they come. It’s a very hard thing to do to see our emotions through- harder maybe than stuffing them down… but I do believe the reward is greater.
Blogger, Life in Slow Motion brought up a good point that we should really give ourselves permission to feel it all as it comes, or else we can’t expect to feel all of the joy when it comes.
I hope you are on the 51st percentile of strength today. Your comment really gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate it a great deal.
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